Two Hours
by DenisetheAsthmaticCat
Summary: First person Delphine POV as Cosima recovers from her seizure.


Two hours.

I've been here for two hours. Two hours ago Cosima had her seizure. Two hours of self doubt, self loathing, fear and tears.

In medical school my professors had always warned against treating close friends and family. I had always figured that I was far more professional and able to separate my personal and professional lives. In the past, it had never been an issue. Then this whirlwind of a human being was introduced to my life, and things got complicated.

Subject and monitor evolved into friend and monitor then into lovers, and we both allowed ourselves the to forget the monitor aspect for the majority of the time, at least until our relationship had to shift into doctor/monitor and patient during blood draws and other medical procedures.

It all collided today, two hours ago, when I saw her go into that fit, when I forgot every single thing I have ever learned when it comes to dealing with a seizure. Looking back, I should have let her work through it, kept her on her side to prevent her asphyxiating on her blood and clear the area to make sure that she didn't hit her head on anything hard and cause a secondary injury. Instead, I cradled her to me, and cried her name, willing her to stop convulsing. Thank God that Scott and Duncan where there and able to follow proper procedure. They took her from my arms and gently forced me step back. I paced the lab back and forth as they tended to her, tears clouding my vision and oxygen became short in supply to my lungs thanks to my inability to control my sobs. I watched her seize, saw the blood and felt pure panic rise in me.

Now, we are sitting in a treatment room in DYAD, with my dear Cosima hooked up to IVs, a heart monitor and a cannula, which I am sure will become a new and unwanted addition to her eclectic wardrobe. I have passed Cosima's chart to a doctor that Dr. Nealon has recommended, I am very well aware that I am in no state to dictate treatment plans, order tests or do anything beyond hold Cosima's hand and wait for her return to consciousness.

When my silent vigil had began, I cleaned her face of the blood and her make up. I was tempted to try to reapply her trademark winged makeup, her naked face brought me back to Jennifer Fitzsimmons. Even in at my best, I know could never come close to the perfect little lines that she applies so quickly and effortlessly. I would never be able to keep my hands steady enough in the state I am in.

I have also had ample time to observe her and the two sleeping positions that she has fallen into. Normally, we are curled around each other, always touching, always working around the other. It never feels forced or uncomfortable. Here, in this tiny little hospital bed, she spends a majority of her time flat on her back with her arms crossing on her abdomen, which scares me. It's a posture that is too close to death. Again, I flash back to Jennifer Fitzsimmons on that table.

When she does move, its always to reach for me as if we were in our bed. It makes me smile and long to curl up beside her and reassure her, but I am too afraid. Afraid I might hurt her, trap a wire or her IV. I know deep down I'm even afraid that there is the off chance, that maybe, she could die in my arms. I know I am not nearly strong enough to ever recover from that.

I can' t hide the sad smile every time she reaches for me, finds nothing but air or the plastic guard rail and makes a small grunt of frustration and rolls on to her back in the centre of the bed. I hold her hand, occasionally ghosting a kiss to her knuckles, her palm or her temple.

After the third time she reaches for my body, I remember she once told me how after coming to Toronto, she would curl around a pillow and use a shirt of mine that she had somehow managed to "liberate" from my possession as a pillow case. Apparently, one morning before my arrival in Toronto, Felix found her with a death grip on this pillow and had teased her about it for days. She swore that it made her feel better to have my smell around her. I laughed as she told me this story and reassured her that she now has the real thing to hold onto at night.

I found a few pillows and shrugged off my bloody lab coat to wrap around the pillows. I try to ignore that it's Cosima's blood staining the white coat. I'm a bit amazed that I hadn't discarded the coat earlier, but now I'm happy I have it still. Its not ideal, but at least I felt like I was doing something that I am pretty sure she will appreciate. Looking at her I question if the cannula would prevent her from getting the full benefit of my little plan to comfort her.

I place the pillows beside her, and whisper in her the ear sweet nothings that always bring out that radiant smile. I pull on her hand a bit and she follows the pull. I exhale a breath I had not realized I had been holding as she lets go of my hand and pulls the lab coat covered pillows closer to her and makes a content little noise. I kiss her temple and she breathes out my name, and once again, I am shaken to the core by how deep my feelings for this woman truly run.

I take up my post again sitting at her bedside and check my phone to see a meeting with Rachel set up for the late morning. I am sure that Cosima has a full gambit of tests to go through once she is awake and Rachel will want me to fill her in on every detail regardless of the emotional strain that I am under in this situation. Tomorrow, I will still have to be Doctor Cormier, Cosima's monitor, as much as I would prefer to remain Delphine Cormier, Cosima's lover, not leaving her side for anything.

The day begins to catch up with me slowly. I start to realize how heavy and tired my body feels now that the adrenaline has faded. A small part of me is tempted to climb into the small bed, but again that fear hits me, so I lay my head on my arms on the side of her bed and let sleep set in.

I wake up to the familiar feeling of fingers running through my hair and lightly scratching at my scalp. It feels wonderful and makes the terrible sleeping posture that I have taken seem like it was worth it. I open my eyes and realize that the sun has set but I have no problem finding Cosima's eyes and though she looks tired, there is still that spark there. Relief floods through me.

"Hey," her voice is weak and a bit raspy. "Exciting day, eh?" I don't know what to say, but tears flood my eyes and "Oui" falls from my lips. I don't trust my voice with anything more.

I try to busy myself to keep the tears from falling. I get up to pour her some water, holding the straw for her to sip through. When she is done she whispers a small thank you. I try to busy myself around the room, suddenly kicking into the Doctor Mode that failed me so miserably just a few hours ago. I begin taking note of all the vital information displayed on the various pieces of technology around the room. I go to reach for the nurse's call bell and her voice stops me.

"Delphine, I need my girlfriend right now. Not my monitor, not my doctor." My heart breaks as she pleads with me. "Please, just forget the bullshit that I will have to go through in the next twelve hours. I need to just be with you for now, until I am subjected to all those needles, X-rays, ultrasounds or whatever else they throw at me." Her voice drops, her eyes are shining with unshed tears as well and I almost don't hear the next sentence, " I just want to hold you and be held by you."

As soon as I hear the fear in her voice all my fear leaves me, I need to be strong for this woman. She needs me, I need her.

I still don't trust my voice, so it is all about action. I move the poor pillowy substitute for myself and Cosima scoots over. It's a tight fit, but our bodies know the other so well and figure something out. She curls around my side, almost on top of me and kisses my shoulder, and it feels so right. I feel her settle in, her breathing evens our and she starts to drift as I run my hands up and down her spine, kissing her head.

"Thanks for the pillows, it was nice to wake up to your smell. But it's better to fall asleep with the real thing to curl up to."

I finally find my voice and whisper "J'taime."

Author's Notes:

I've been writing this in my head for the last week, not sure if it's fully what I intended, but I'm pretty okay with how this turned out. I have a family member with epilepsy and it confused me to see Delphine not follow what every doctor my family spoke to said to do in case of a fit so that's kinda what inspired this whole fic.

If any of you wonderful readers are good at putting together music video edits, I would love to see someone tackle the whole Shay/ Cosima/ Delphine thing edited together to Shiver by Seasfire. I think that would be cool, but I am technologically incompetent.


End file.
